Look, we need to have a serious talk about the denim-clad identity crisis we’ve all been living through. Honestly, finding the right pair of jeans is a lot like dating: you start with high hopes, spend way too much time in a dimly lit room trying to make things work, and usually end up crying in a changing room because something is too tight in the thighs but gaping at the waist.
I once spent forty-five minutes wrestling into a pair of "ultra-skinny" jeans in a vintage shop in London. I was so determined to be that "cool indie kid" that I ignored the fact that my lower half was losing circulation. When I finally squeezed into them, I couldn't bend my knees. I had to walk out of the store like a high-functioning penguin. I bought them anyway, wore them once to a concert where I couldn't sit down, and eventually had to be cut out of them by my roommate. Lesson learned: fashion is great, but oxygen is better.
To save you from my "penguin era," let's break down the eight pillars of the denim world so you can find your perfect match without the trauma.
The Classics and the "How Is This Comfortable?" Phase
Let’s start with the Skinny Jean. Despite what Gen Z says on TikTok, the skinny jean isn't dead; it’s just resting. It’s the "OG" of the 2010s. It hugs everything—and I mean everything. It’s great for showing off your boots, but less great for eating a three-course meal.
Then we have the Slim Fit. Think of these as the skinny jean’s more relaxed cousin who actually enjoys breathing. They follow the line of your leg but don't feel like a second layer of skin. They’re the "safe bet" for a first date.
Moving into the realm of "vibes," we hit the Straight Leg. This is the ultimate "I’m not trying too hard" look. It’s a vertical line from the hip to the ankle. It’s classic, it’s timeless, and it’s the jean equivalent of a white t-shirt—it just works.
Finally, in this category, we have the Bootcut. This one is a bit of a polarizing figure. Narrow through the thigh and slightly flared at the hem to accommodate, well, boots. It’s very "90s country star meets modern-day Pinterest," and honestly? It’s making a massive comeback because it balances out wider hips perfectly.
The "Big Pants, Big Dreams" Era
Now we’re getting into the territory where fabric is king. First up: Flared Jeans. If the bootcut is a whisper, the flare is a shout. These are full-on 70s disco energy. They’re dramatic, they make your legs look eight feet long, and they require a certain level of confidence—and maybe some platform shoes so you don't trip over your own hems.
Then there’s the Relaxed Fit. These are the jeans you wear when you’ve officially given up on the idea of "structure." They’re baggy in the seat and the thigh, giving you all the room in the world to move. They’re basically sweatpants disguised as denim, and I am here for it.
We can't talk about denim without mentioning Boyfriend Jeans. The name is a lie—you don't need a boyfriend, you just need a pair of jeans that are slouchy, oversized, and usually a bit distressed. They’re meant to look like you just threw them on, even though you probably spent ten minutes cuffing the ankles to get that "perfectly messy" look.
Lastly, the reigning champion of the 2020s: Wide-Leg Jeans. These are the ultimate "cool girl/guy" pants. They’re loose from the waist all the way down. They’re breezy, they’re architectural, and they’re the only reason I’ve survived the last three summers without melting. They say, "I have a lot to do today, but none of it involves being constricted by spandex."
Ultimately, the best pair of jeans isn't the one that's "trending"—it’s the one that doesn't make you want to go home and change the second you sit down. Whether you’re team Skinny or team Wide-Leg, just remember: if you can’t do a basic squat in them, they might be cute, but they aren't your friends.
